Fifth Confession: I am a survivor

One year ago, I lost my house in the May 20th tornado in Moore, OK.  

That was one of the worst days of my life.  

I remember the feeling of the wet grass on my sandaled feet as I walked 20 blocks into "ground zero."

The air was brown, it was so thick with dirt.  Random household object blew in the wind, hanging from trees and telephone poles.  Torn baby pictures littered the ground. 

People walked dazed, in shock: we were zombies in a horror film.  

As I got closer and closer to my house, I kept up hope, surely it would not be my house that was hit.  Surely, it would be okay.  

I will never forget the moment I rounded the corner and saw that the tree in my front yard was gone. That's when I knew.  

We, (two of my brothers and my sister-in-law) stepped up to what was left of the house and I bust into tears.  I now know what being in shock is like.  It feels like being asleep, but you aren't a sleep you are awake...But you keep thinking and hoping that what you are looking at is not real.  But it is real.  I don't remember a lot about that night... Just the wet on my feet and the tears.. Grabbing random things and trying to save them.  It is all the days after that I remember.  

Things I took from the storm: 

First, I am NOT a victim.  I am a survivor.  

Victims are those who let themselves be beaten by their adversaries. They let themselves fall prey to the monsters rather than fight them.  They let the storm conquer them, rather than conquer it.  I should know, before the tornado I was a victim.  I let my past dictate who I was.  But not anymore.  I am a survivor.  I slay the dragons and fight for what is true rather than let the Satan's lies hold me forever under his thumb.  Only by the grace of God can I say this... And Only in His strength. 

Second, 

I learned to let the small stuff go.  I lost most of everything I ever owned.  I still limit at times over the roses from my Aunt's funeral and the gift from my great-grandmother that I will never see again... But I have learned that all that "stuff" does not matter as much as the people that they reminded us of.  Yes, things are important and through this I learned how many things it takes just to be at all normal.  Socks, alarm clock, laundry basket... But those things can be replaced.  People cannot. Don't sweat the small stuff.  EVERYTHING can change in the blink of an eye.  Enjoy what you have now... And don't fight about stupid stuff.

Third, 

I have an amazing family. Before the tornado, I was so depressed and lonely, I just wanted to end it all and go home to Jesus.  

But through the storm He surrounded me with a huge family that showed me, He really is real. And He really is good. 

They enveloped me with love and ANY and every need was met. I am in awe at how loved I am and how many were willing to stand beside me as I shoveled out my life.  Not just because it was "the right thing to do" but because they truly loved me.  Those relationships have only grown since then.  "The flower grown in adversity is the most beautiful and fragrant of all" -Mulan 

Fourth, 

God is still good.  I spray painted this on the side of my house.  I wanted to make a statement, not just to the "tourists" but to myself... And maybe even to God that this would not take my faith from me.  As horrible as that time was and even with all the awful things that I saw and had to do and live through... I never doubted, or rather it was cemented in my heart that He is good.  A question that I had always asked... Was answered in one of the greatest tragedies, my town and state has seen.  How can that even be true... That these horrors showed me His goodness.  I don't really have a good answer to that... But just that He was faithful even in the storm.  He was faithful, even when this life was not. He showed His goodness through His people and through His rainbows... Through His Spirit in my heart.  He is good and that was echoed in the wake of the storm.  

Now: 

Now I see that God's whispered promise one sleepless PTSD filled night was true. 

"This will not break you, it will shake the pieces into place." 

The storm will rage and the wind will blow, but His peace is still louder. His arms are still stronger.  He is still good.